August 15

It's been a challenge putting this feeling into words. I've been trying so desperately to numb whatever is blocking this getaway.

Words, words, words.

Tables turned, and words blocked me out. It took me months. Mad at the idea that I might have lost it.

- Shut up for god's sake, maybe shut up a little. You don't seem to have it. 

What if words aren't my thing? 'Cause, believe it or not, actions aren't my thing lately either. It's a hit-and-run kind of situation. Speed hit the wall, be shocked, get mad, and keep on hitting walls.

- Feel something! You've got to feel something!

And it hit; madness, sadness, isolation. Later that day, I saw her reflection in the mirror, she looked so different yet the same.

- You seem so sad, enjoying the moment, but you setback there for a moment. What is it?

Nothing it's nothing. We're having fun, growing up and doing stuff.

- You can say it... I see it in your eyes.

I'm fine. Everything's going to work in a way. Sometimes... You remember things, and you freeze in the moment. It goes on n' off, n' on n' off.

Total silence.

Okay, the truth is, I'm not ready to say it. People say speak up; I say speak up. Sometimes I just wonder how the hell you do it, so hard and heavy, I can't find a way to let go of it. In the phase, in this particular moment, holding it and finding a way through it feels easier to live with. No surrender. That doesn't mean I can't ask for help... I don't have the heart to accept that help comes in different ways beyond friendships and relationships.

Have you ever thought you'll grow and heal thru people? Getting too attached is not an option? How are we all brainwashed to feel that things belong to us when things might shift and we'll end up on another path? I still don't have the heart to accept this fact and can't let go of the pain it brings. 

Acceptance is said to be easy; Letting go just flowing is said to be so easy... I'm still wondering how the hell you do it?

- It's hard isn't it, pretending it doesn't hurt.

Eyes fixed on her reflection.

- How are you so calm?

This calmness is stillness. It grabs you by the throat and grants you two options; One: You freak out and act against your will to drag yourself out of it. Two: You hold it, assess it, reclaim your truth, eliminate what's making you feel doubtful, focus on the source of it and protect your energy. Doesn't seem so calm now, does it!? I've done both. Living against my will? Never again. This shit is tiring; The kind of "tiring" that sleep won't fix. Not worth the time, worth the realizations. It shows you who you are, all triggered and down to your knees. Dead end.

Be there for yourself or stay on your knees, people pleasing, scanning how to make things better and make others happy about it. Know that it might go against your will, you don't have to treat yourself less through it tho'! It's as if, once you know that you're worth living, and accept who you are, then when others don't like you, you begin to see it as their problem, not yours anymore. You allow your own beauty to be, so the first step of the game is what you started with, which is acknowledging your love for life. Sure you go through self-pity and anger, you have to be honest with those too, but you'll begin to appreciate that they're just doing their karma. Stuck in what you're stuck in, sit with your feelings and allow them to be.

One day at a time.

To be is to know that not everything's gonna work for you, flowing won't be that easy, people can't feel how you're feeling unless you talk or show it, and if you think you can handle this life alone... You can try to cause it's doable. Still, if you feel like you need help and company, you can't push yourself forward anymore, believe it, stop beating yourself up.

The question is: How the heck do you ask for it?

This battle, this heavy weight on my chest and anxious stomach been dragging me around for as long as this year felt. What is it? Shouldn't it supposed to fade away? Is this healing? It goes on n' on n' on up until you're out of breath.

Eventually, you accept the fact that you're not feeling so good. 

"Oh, even so, I've got this." Stubborn ass. No. You. Need. Help.

That out to do it ha? As easy and simple as those words. This is what peace relies on, one word at a time, one feeling at a time, accepting uncontrollable things.

I would say flow and let go... Except I don't live by that rule quite much, I put myself out there for what feels like the right thing to do. Why? Well obviously and rationally, I won't live with regrets. So yeah take the floating boat if it works for you. I'm diving in, care to join?

For the love of trusting your gut. For the love of understanding. For the love of breaking unnecessary generational toxic loops.